Am I still a gamer?

It’s currently 2 AM and I’m sitting here in the dark on my much underused laptop. My mind sometimes wanders to scary places when I don’t go to sleep soon enough. (That being said, I generally avoid sleeping because my mind wanders to scary places when I do go to sleep.. oh well.)

I’m a gamer. I think.

I play games. Don’t I?

I feel like I’ve been struggling with my identity off and on somewhat recently. I’ve been into video games for my whole life. I’ve always loved video games – pretty much more than anything. I started gaming with some DOS or Windows 3.1 “Balloons” game on my mom’s computer. (PC Master Race from day one ;D )

Today, however, I have stacks and stacks of games – many unfinished or even unplayed – and I can’t seem to gain interest. I still identify as a gamer, I still play games. My motivation often dwindles, though, and it’s so frustrating.

My YouTube channels are built on gaming. My room is covered in gaming things – consoles, games, posters, figures, etc. My life is heavily centered around gaming and video games.

So why do I just say “meh” at the recent lot of games I’ve gotten and still need to play.

I have recently acquired more games. In one mood, the idea of having all these to play, finish, live stream, review, do videos on, etc., sounds really exciting. But at the same time, on a day like today when I have loads of free time, I literally cannot make myself pull one off the shelf. (I did play a couple Steam games for a bit, and a frustrating session of Halo 3 with a friend for a small amount of time, though – my usual routine.)

I have both the Final Fantasy XIII-2 and Record of Agarest War: Zero collector’s editions that I wanted to play through. I wanted to do live streams or a full let’s play on my /tehd3m0l1sh3r YouTube channel for them. But when I have time to play through them, I feel completely uninterested.

I was stoked to get ahold of Assassin’s Creed 3 (got it half price on Black Friday) and beyond the first couple hours I’ve put into it, I can’t be bothered now. Countless XBOX 360 games, small Steam games, PS2 games even that I wanted to go back and experience – rarely do I have motivation for any of them!

I really don’t understand.

I love playing games.

I love gaming.

I love being a gamer. I love gamer culture. I love internets.

Does my love for YouTube, recording, editing, etc. somehow interfere with that?

Why can’t I have both?

It’s not like I don’t enjoy any gaming right now, don’t get me wrong. I can still play some MInecraft, Pokemon ROM Hacks for days (excited for X&Y for once), Halo with friends.

I even recently played through and completed Dishonored. That was huge for me! I rarely finish games, and this one I played through pretty quick, and it’s no short game. I even considered doing multiple playthroughs for the different endings and getting the DLC levels.

There are games every day that I feel excited for and want to buy, get ahold of (review copies), play, etc. but then when I have them, it’s like the thrill is gone.

That would make more sense if it were just for Collector’s Edition stuff, but it’s even for small indie Steam games!

What am I doing wrong?