Anxiety Attack

“What’s going on?”

It’s close to 72 degrees in my bedroom (with all the electronics and all) and yet I still feel cold. Freezing almost. I don’t have a fever. Just cold and alone. Doesn’t matter that I’m talking to the love of my life over instant messenger, I still feel alone in the universe.

Heart is beating like a drumroll that never ends. Every movement carries twice the weight, every breath harder to take. Any sensory input, even the normally calming music and ambient noise I have is stressful. Hell, any function of my brain is. It’s like suddenly the weight of the world, or maybe just the weight of everything that is me, is resting on my back, on my brain.

My anxiety kicks in. Every little thing sets off worry and alarms inside my head. Unlike my normal doubts and issues, not even the strongest attempts at reassurance will calm this. Which then leads me to fear. Fear leads to running.

“I’m, I’m just gunna go lie down for a bit.”

Why would I do that? There’s no need. I still have things I feel I need to do before I call it a day, and plenty of things I want. If willing to just leave it all isn’t enough, just running away from the waking hours, doing so without telling her good night, or explaining my sudden behavior – well that’s just shitty of me.

Of course, rationally I know this is all ridiculous. I’m not alone by any definition other than in this room. There are others in this house here with me. People who love and care about me. Family. And like I said, I’m talking to my love, my other half, the one who completes me, online. It may not be in-person, but it’s still contact. Rationally I know I’m the least alone I’ve been in a long time, and yet that doesn’t stop my brain from telling me the walls are closing in, everything is going to fall apart, I have no one and nothing.

Troll brain.

Is it fair to blame my brain? Or is it something more? Did I have too much caffeine, causing my heart to start beating too fast, thus initiating this heightened state? No, not really, only just had my first bit in a few hours. Am I too tired? Sure I’m tired, but I function fine on much less sleep, and these attacks seem to come even when I’m well-rested. Is something actually going on that triggered this as a defense? Well, there’s a lot going on overall, but no, nothing immediate that I can think of.

I can make no legitimate explanation as to why this is happening. In any other case I would then accept that whatever it is just isn’t real. Tell that to my lungs struggling for air, and my skin feeling like ice. My shaking hands. My racing thoughts.

These attacks never last long if you go by the clock, but every minute feels like a week. The simple writing of this seemed to take forever, but it’s not over yet. I can feel it starting to fade. I can feel a sense of control coming back to my brain and body. I may have well just succeeded. I had my one handle of stability checking in on me, making me take a breath and try to calm so I could comfort her that I would be okay.

I was going to go lie down. I was going to run away from this, from my problems, from the world. I would have lied in bed for hours wide awake, mind racing. Without trying, she convinced me not to. Just seeing her concern somehow convinced me that it wasn’t worth running anymore. I quit running, turned around and faced it head on. I may have feared for my life from the forces of my own brain, but I did it anyway. I didn’t go lie down. I didn’t push her away; push my problems away, the world. I simply channeled my energy, my sparsely remaining cognitive power into regaining control, and I did it.

What could’ve lasted an hour or more only took a few mere minutes. Maybe things are getting better. Maybe I’m getting better. I’m now sure I might be able to work to keep this from happening. But it will take change. I knew change was the answer, but change meant instability. Now that I have a center of stability in my life, maybe I can hold onto that and make the other changes needed to keep this from happening too much more. From going through hell in half an hour.

We shall see. All I know is I can breathe again. And it feels fucking great.