Reflection

She was more adult way before I was.

Even technically so - I’m pretty sure she’s a year older than me. But I don’t know for certain; that was thrown with a couple other lies she fed me at the start of us getting to know each other in order to “impress me.” While she originally lied about having her driver’s license when we started “dating,” she also got that before me. Moved out before me.

It’s easy to write off a lot of what she did and put me through as “childish,” but my approach to the relationship from the beginning was quite pathetic.

Self blame. Smooth. But to some degree - I did “get myself into it.”

Finally really reading through that letter… That would have been everything I wanted to hear.. two or three months earlier. But at that point? After I’d already done everything I could to completely detach myself from her and move on, in a quest to find myself after such a crazy experience? … No. Sure, if her “expression of feelings” came sooner, my life might be drastically different today than it currently is. But given that it only came when it did as a last-ditch effort to get back under my skin, that “different”-ness certainly wouldn’t be a good thing.

Past the letter, I briefly dove back into my old habit of reading my own messages to other people. I was fucking pathetic. A whiny, emotionally-out-of-control baby desperate for a solid connection with someone else and for someone to appreciate me. Except that exact desperation is what would have prevented anyone from liking me in the first place. I was fucking annoying - even to those who did care about me, just to a degree that I guess I didn’t think was “enough.”

It’s sad; I’d probably have lifelong friends in some of my old high school friends if I hadn’t been such a freak.

When I looked for that letter in my old “tehD3M0L1SH3R” email (still can’t believe that’s a name I managed to stick with through high school… dear lord…), I found a conversation I never even remembered happening. Not with M, no - though there were a few of those that resorted me to the usual self-hatred - but with M4.

This was a GTalk chat log. I was still at Uni1, her and I had been talking a bit towards the end of M stuff, and reading it now - it was so blatantly clear how much she cared for me. That poor girl… she spent probably the last half of high school caring about me, trying to help in my emotional well-being as best she could, and I never even fully processed it. I was too sucked up in my own damn head (the irony being that that was essentially a symptom/side effect of the desperation to have a connection with someone - even her at a few points - that locked me in my own head) to properly see it, process it, and give back. No wonder we lost touch so quickly, I don’t see how she ever put up with me.

Some of the way she talked to me and responded to my messages reminds me so much of how C treats me now, and why I’ve always appreciated how C cares for me. It’s quite odd. She always took my things seriously and always wanted to help and look out for my well-being. I always understood that my whining was superfluous and stupid and so I never actually took that seriously. I pushed her away quite literally for no reason. Wow.

And then the emails to M… We only emailed a few times when she got that new office job - again, a much stronger feeling of her being the one who had maturity over me having any. I was working my first job at Meijer, she had some shmancy office job with an insurance company or something with A. (I think it was with A.)

I emailed her with the most whiny, bullshit-y… shit… about not wanting to go into work and such. Like… it was meant to be exaggeratedly whiny, but still… Feeling the layered whininess just makes me feel so… awful.

This is also keeping in mind that she had to work at Walgreens during high school and up to her getting this job. Way before I did. She drove before I did. She also smoke and drank way before I did (given that I never have) and has fucked probably 6-8+ more people than I have - some during our “relationship” - so it’s not all good, of course.
HELL, it was during this time - November-ish 2011 through early January 2012 - that her and I might have actually developed a proper relationship between two adults. We were both out of high school finally - an awful place to be locked up in when you’re swirling with raging hormones and no emotional control, and a fuckton of self-centeredness, but no actual self-awareness, as it turns out. She had a good job, I actually had a job, things might have gone smoothly. IF I wasn’t a whiny and clingy little bitch.

But I’m not sure that would have lasted long. I don’t know who she is now, or how her current relationships (if any, she no longer keeps much of an active Facebook presence, or has carefully filtered her posts and info to keep it from me - it would be foolish to assume the latter), nor do I pretend to, but given the history we had and her past behaviors, I find it incredibly hard to believe things would change.

She matured up and decided she cared about me. Big whoop, I spent a long time fighting for that and it just wasn’t “worth it” to her. What was she really willing to sacrifice for me? The time to write a few pages? What about the lying, the deceit? Lashing out and trying to get with random dudes within our proximity to specifically affect me? The rape? The manipulation, the stringing along, pushing away, and then super-cling all within a single breath?

I doubt it.

I made the right call. I’m so incredibly proud of where I’ve come in these past 4 years. It’s still clear to me that I lack a certain emotional maturity and general sense about me compared to others. But hey - I’m not others. I’m a shut-in, a recluse, someone who forgoes social inclusion and personal connection for ambition, self-enjoyment, and mental comfort. I’m at least confident enough at this point in my life to say “this is the package you get with me” and be fine if people can’t handle it.

While I get pretty scared of the glaring parallels between my desperate whining in high school and how I act when I do think back to things, get nostalgic, or try to reach out to certain people - I’ve come a long way, and there are still some who’ve stuck around for the ride.

J1, who was there through the thickest parts of the M shit, and likewise with some fucked up shit of his own, which brought us close. We’ve grown apart a bit in recent years as he’s gotten busy in his own path in life, but we still have each other.

J2, who got involved right after all that went down and C and I started going together and has probably grown and changed pretty close to as much as I have, and yet neither of us want to push each other away.

D, who has been with me through most of my life, and while I’ve probably annoyed the piss out of him for most of it, he’s always stuck with me for some reason. My appreciation for him is immense, but not something I’ll ever show enough.

O, who I will likely never get back to being “close friends” with again for proximity reasons if nothing else, he’s still good to interact with at a close distant around mutually appreciated topics.

A (H, not M), who I don’t actually talk to much anymore, but I have pretty much 100% confidence that if my life ever went to shit and I truly needed someone and had no one else, she would still be there for me. Until then, I can just enjoy the awesome pictures and videos of her adorable, adorable daughter. This is the rare instance where I have an ex and I feel truly happy for someone else to have found happiness, and managed to revert back to a truly platonic, normal friendship. Not something I’m used to.

M2, who was there for all of high school and due to his creepy and uncomfortable relationship with C3 and the smoking stuff, I always associated with the side of M I didn’t like until he showed up out of nowhere during my time working Geek! to turn up being as huge a geek as I am. I haven’t fought off my shut-in nature enough yet, but I think he and I could be great friends, actually. I never appreciated him enough, be he always seemed like he wanted to be my friend.

And, of course, C. I will never understood how she put up with me for so long, nor puts up with me on a daily basis. I love her more than anything in the world, and I can only hope we’ll stick it out until the end. I owe her so much.

I’ve grown a lot. I thought I was “better,” but it’s clear that I still have progress to make. Today was a mess. I lost my shit and derailed an entire day (the second in the weekend after the door madness) over someone who wasn’t even who I thought she was.

Yeah. It was clear once I got a good look at her face as she left (and maybe freaked her out, but oh well, I’ll likely never see her again) that it wasn’t M, but I got a reply back on Facebook. “nope I haven’t been to meijers in years” - and boom. Broke contact silence (and got a “o_O” for it) for the first time in years over nothing.

Today was awful. I’ll never be fully better. With what I went through and how it affected me, compounded with everything else in my life, I’ll never quite be done with it, and this was a sharp reminder of that.

But it did also remind me that I really have come a long way.

As has this post… and I stupidly decided to stay up and blog instead of sleeping. I’m sick and it’s 4:09 AM. Sleep. Please, brain? Please?