Totalbiscuit.

I can’t sleep tonight. I will eventually, but not now.

Learning of TotalBiscuit’s death hit me in a way I wasn’t expecting. After all, I knew it was coming, right? But the info leading up to it just didn’t feel real. Maybe I was in denial. It still doesn’t feel real. I’ve been waiting for new “WTF is…” episodes to just start back up as if nothing was wrong this entire time. That won’t happen.

I never got to meet John (TB) personally. We’ve gone back and forth on Twitter a few times, he might’ve even responded to a YouTube comment back when those were open, and he accepted my Steam friend request back in 2011 (he’s probably since removed me). It had been a long-time goal for me to eventually get to meet him at an event or something and thank him for the impact he’s had on my life. I’ll never get that chance. Fuck. 

I don’t necessarily believe in an afterlife or anything like that, but I hope somehow, some way, he could read the stories being written about him.

TB is now one of two of my early sources of inspiration for my YouTube career that has died in recent years. (Christina Grimmie being the first). He’s one of a very small few who have had a significant enough impact - despite never personally meeting him - on my life and career path to single-handedly alter how I see and approach things.

A high school friend, Lyle, was showing myself and a couple friends some videos he’d been watching of YouTubers who knew what they were doing. Most notably the Yogscast and their original Minecraft Role-Playing series, and TotalBiscuit - probably some of his WoW Cataclysm beta coverage, iirc. I’m not sure.

I watched TB off and on at that point, diving into his WoWRadio career, BluePlz show, and etc. Once “WTF is…” and his topical rants really took off, I was glued to his content. His professionalism, the ideals he took up with the industry, what he did for the content creator and PC gaming scenes alike were monumental.

But for me, he had a quote - that I honestly can’t begin to find right now - about how to get the job or career path you want, or how to get his job, something like that. The core message that he conveyed was simple: If there’s a specific job or career you want, find one person of inspiration or as a “template” for that job, then reverse-engineer how they got there. Make tweaks for your desires and current situation, and work towards that goal.

Something so simple, yet so profound that it took high school/college freshman shitty gameplay video-producing me (as “d3m0l1sh3r” back then) and made me take a serious look at what I wanted to do, who I wanted to be, and how I wanted to get there. Things pivoted for the better, in ways I wouldn’t have ever predicted. That message has always stuck with me and influenced my approach to everything in my current career path. I firmly believe that without that simple explanation and his leading example in professionalism and quality content production, that I would not be where I am - nor who I am - today.

TB has had HUGE impacts across the PC gaming, games journalism, casting, content creation scenes in ways I could never convey. Look to the many other wonderful anecdotes others have shared to learn how he’s affected the lives of others.

This hurts. It truly does. The internet has lost an incredible man today. We grieve for him. It’s not fair, he was too fucking young - less than a decade older than myself. He had a wife, a son. I can’t imagine what they’re going through.

I need to wake up in 5 or 6 hours, but I sure as hell am not sleeping for a couple more hours. I’m going to keep working on some projects and push through this. I don’t know.

I still don’t know if I have the right words, but I wanted to share regardless. Hold the ones you love close. Cherish the time you have with them.