You Can't Buy Time.

One of the hardest parts about being a creative at this point in my life is all of the time spent not creating.

There’s the obvious stuff: Gotta be present and be a good dad when school isn’t in session, gotta be a good husband, a good cat caretaker, gotta take better care of my body and actually get enough sleep. Maybe it shouldn’t be, but it’s genuinely hard sometimes to transition out of creative mode or “work mode” when I have a lot of bees buzzing in my head - when there’s projects I want to do, when I haven’t finished all of my tasks for the day, or when I did do most/all of my tasks but they weren’t the “fun” or creative kind.

The less obvious comes in that latter part of my work, combined with the first. When the inspiration strikes and I’m cooking dinner. When I have endless ideas of things I wanna tweak or test on my camera rigs, but I’m in the middle of playing outside with my kid. When I see myself doing all of these projects that it feels mission critical that I order the necessary components or gear for said projects, yet I cannot fathom where in my day-to-day I’m supposed to fit them in. I can only wedge so much - especially when my wife has been waiting on me to wedge in no end of house projects in the gaps I keep filling with these.

How many thousands of dollars have I blown through chasing the idea that I’d have time to do a thing? Why do I own more cameras than I actually know what to do with yet am currently lusting after a new, proper “modern camcorder” to pair with my cinema cameras - you know for all that extra filming I absolutely totally could be doing day to day that I’m simply not doing because I don’t have the right camera... totally...?
Of all of my habits I’ve tried to break and mindsets I’ve tried to fix, this has potentially been the hardest. With most things - other spending habits included - it’s easy to just put up a wall of sorts and logic myself out of the problem when I need to face it in the moment. But when inspiration strikes, when ideas boil over, when I cannot contain myself and the bees buzzing in my head - it feels like the only way to feel in control is to further “buy in” with the idea. Either (and this only works sometimes) squeezing in extra time between things to get the ball rolling, add that final touch, hit upload on that long render - or (the more likely outcome) buy something for the project. How can I not?

The painful irony is that this pitfall is all but covered up when I’m actually working. During my work day I am never short on things to do or leads to pursue that the idea of piling more on can feel unrealistic, sometimes unbearable. But when I’m not working? That’s the danger zone. That’s when the wheels are spinning out of control and I have to feel productive - and if I can’t work, the least I can do is the passive research. Or spec reviewing. Or comparison. Or planning. Planning leads to ideating, ideating leads to fantasizing, fantasizing erodes reality, priorities, and any grounded concept of what I’m actually capable of and realistically willing to spend my time doing - instead replacing my real life with a made-up one in which I can do all the things in all the mediums and niches that interest me, and the only thing holding me back is whatever next thing I need for the project at top of mind.
Right now that thing holding me back is a camcorder.

I have camcorders. Probably a dozen. I have photography cameras (also probably a dozen) and I have a couple cinema cameras. But the camcorders I have are all retro (Hi8, MiniDV, etc.) and are great for a specific, intentional retro vibe, but not ideal for the day-to-day run-and-gun. 
I’ve also never really thought I needed or wanted a modern camcorder before. Any of the intentional shooting I do, I tend to do on my cinema cameras - where I have full control to achieve my artistic vision - or my iPhone when I need the lazy-but-still-passable footage of a quick pickup shot. So why now?

Well, you see... I traveled to Indianapolis recently for a public hearing regarding datacenter legislation (or lack of momentum on thereof) and took my favorite cinema camera with me. I got some photos and some video clips - but I was inherently limited in what I could capture from the distance I was (even with a zoom lens and the capacity to crop in substantially in post thank to the absurdly high-resolution full-frame sensor in it) and the is no stabilization in such a rig. My cinema camera setups are designed for quick shots - some talking head (max 30 minutes, usually closer to 12), some product videography, demonstration, etc. - not for long-form recording. I could rig them out for long-form recording, but that would change the profile and weight (thus my tolerance to keep holding and likelihood of bringing with me) quite negatively. Plus, the lack of stabilization and other purpose-fit specific features is still a problem.

But while there I got to see others (presumably reporters) with camcorder rigs running and gunning. These were bare-simple rigs. Camcorder, built-in matte box, mounted shotgun mic and windscreen, headphones for the operator. There was one guy running a big ENG-style camera with a B4 lens and wireless streaming device and other such, but he was the outlier.

I have to admit, I was pretty distracted during this event analyzing the camera operators and how much smoother that workflow must be. (I didn’t miss anything, but I shouldn’t have been so nosy.)

Of course the primary thing I spent most of my time reflecting on while eating a delicious Italian lunch after the event was... the fact that I “need” a camcorder. In fact, I had to actively resist, multiple times starting that research rabbit hole during the event as I was sitting there listening to the speakers. I kept unlocking my phone to start some Kagi searches, only to feel shame and lock it back.

But not 2 hours later I had a full stomach and multiple leads on the camcorders I would pursue, one of which checked all my boxes. I had features that I wanted to be present, and limitations with what I could do now that I wanted to compensate for (stabilization, zoom range, long-form recording, etc.)

For what work? What am I doing that suddenly merits this workflow? Am I going to start filming these kinds of hearings and events all the time? (No.)

While the passing “for next time” thought for a thing I’d done once was something I could shoo away, the next phase quickly began: Finding problems to fit the solution. 
Well, it would probably be easier to just have the camcorder around for random more run-and-gun style shots while I work on projects, allowing me to film more as I go and make videos more entertaining, film more behind-the-scenes, and develop more style. The LOG recording capabilities of the more expensive model I’d picked out would also mean that the footage wouldn’t stray too far from my current looks and styles, integrating nicely.

Plus I could attend more hearings like this as my interest in this side of activism grows - and when making my content on these things, being able to just grab any specific quote or clip from the whole presentation would be a benefit.

Not to mention all of the family outings, travel, whatever that I apparently don’t film enough as-is would be made significantly more seamless with a camcorder.

All of these are justifications. They’re a list of problems built to make it impossible to argue with the decision to purchase the thing to make me feel confident in this delayed-yet-still-impulsive decision and to shamelessly defend it should I be pressed about it.
Responsibility isn’t considered here, only justification.

I’m not doing this during work hours, though. I’m doing this while I’m waiting on pasta to boil. While I’m waiting on my kid’s bus to drop him at his stop. While I lay in bed at night, unable to sleep until I’ve calmed the creative energy whirling behind my eyes.

The justification enables me to make a decision. The decision combined with the justification makes this whole time spent “productive.” The illusion of productivity makes it feel like I’m still doing the work. That I’m still creating. That I’m pursuing my dreams and earning my place.

Even though, in an instance like this, I’m justifying buying another camera that I won’t use to film anything more - as my time is already full and any additional filming will require subbing out other work in its place.

And the thing is, there are legitimate things a camcorder like this could bring to my workflow. A zoom lens with a ton of range and smooth control over a rocker combined with good stabilization and a portable, hand-holdable form factor does mean I’ll have an easier time taking such a thing on trips, to work events, filming outside, or passing to my wife (or other unwitting impromptu camera person) to help me film something last minute without much coaching.

But do I need that role filled so desperately right now? Have I been missing this or am I just excited at the idea?

The (now that I’ve thought this out) obvious short-term answer is to only allow myself the ability to make these decisions when I’m actually working. During “work hours” so to speak. But when “work hours” have been “whenever I can fit them in” for most of my career - I don’t have an established boundary for that. And then that doesn’t solve the problem of: If I remove this as a tool in my arsenal during my not-creating time, what will I replace it with?

Turns out, I can buy things to make myself feel better, but I can’t buy the time to actually make use of them.